AN OPERATION IN SEARCH OF A TITLE:
OR WHAT SHALL WE CALL OUR IMPENDING WAR AGAINST IRAQ?
John H. Smihula July, 2002
Like parents naming their newborn baby or meteorologists naming the latest hurricane, the U.S. government names its military operations, but it does more than just assign a name--it communicates a concept or ideal, and one that is never less than honorable and meritorious. Consider, for example, Operation Urgent Fury of 1983, in which 7,000 U.S. Marines rescued the tiny island nation of Grenada (pop. 110,000) from the clutches of the devious Communists. While it is true that we destroyed the country, we had to destroy it in order to save it. This policy worked in Vietnam, and it worked in Grenada. Those 100 Cuban construction and health care workers who were killed were motivated by Communist ideology, and the 400 Grenadians who were killed were on Fidel Castro's side, not on the side of freedom and democracy, which is our side and God's side. The U.S. is, after all, God's Own Country.
Another fine example of our rectitude is Operation Just Cause in Panama. Inspired by the spirit of Christmas, and by our noble desire to stop the notorious narco-trafficker Manuel Noriega, we invaded the country in late December of 1989 and brought the glory of the afterlife to over 4,000 Panamanians, nearly all of whom were poor and eagerly awaiting deliverance to the next life where their joy would come.
And let us not forget such worthy operations as Shining Hope (Kosovo), Provide Promise (Bosnia), Noble Response (Kenya), Bright Star (Egypt), Classic Resolve (Philippines), Rolling Thunder (Vietnam) and Freedom Train (North Vietnam). We brought peace, democracy, and hope to the people of these countries, and they still haven't stopped thanking us.
The Bush Administration, however, may have gone a little too far when it named its most recent military action Operation Infinite Justice. People around the world protested our apparent presumptuousness, claiming that only God or Allah can mete out infinite justice. But these critics don't understand what America is all about. God or Allah doesn't have nuclear bombs or the HAARP Project. We do. God or Allah doesn't have F-18s and laser-guided missiles and Bradley Fighting Vehicles. We do. God or Allah doesn't have an annual military budget of half a trillion dollars. We do. We indeed have the power to administer infinite justice. Nevertheless, to placate the critics, some of whom were annoyingly shrill, especially the bleeding-heart liberal types, President Bush decided to rename our military action Operation Enduring Freedom. To ensure our freedom--that means you and me--5,000 Afghani civilians and several United Nations workers--all potential terrorists--have been removed from the ranks of the living.
Now the Bush team is planning a massive military strike against Iraq--that seedbed of terrorism--and its brutal dictator Saddam Hussein. But what will this new operation be called? I am curious, as are my fellow citizens. To help the administration find the appropriate name, I will exercise my right as a citizen in a democracy and submit to the White House a list of over 100(!) possibilities. I think George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld will be so happy with the wealth of material I've given them that they will send me a big Thank You card and a cordial invitation to the White House. Oh, how I would love to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom!
So here is the list of potential titles. I want to thank those duteous, patriotic friends of mine who contributed to this list.
Operation A Great Deal of Justice
Operation Just Because
Operation These Colors Don't Run
Operation Let's Roll
Operation Pick Up Where Daddy Left Off
Operation Bushwhacked
Operation Blame It On Bill
Operation Building a Bridge To The 22nd Century
Operation Beat The Al's (Al Gore, Al Qaeda, Al Jazeera, Al-lah)
Operation Rock Iraq
Operation Pet Iraq
Operation SUV
Operation Dipstick
Operation SAE 30
Operation Falafel
Operation Real Men Don't Eat Babaganoush
Operation Harem
Operation Where Are The Women?
Operation Spank Saddam
Operation Saddam Inhales
Operation Make And Break An Enemy
Operation Hussein is Insane
Operation Twilight Of The Living Horror
Operation Shriek of the Mutilated
Operation Sheik of the Mutilated
Operation Desert Storm II
Operation Operation
Operation Great Operation
Operation Super Operation
Operation Kick Ass Operation
Operation The Empire Strikes Back
Operation George Makes His Dad Proud
Operation Frat Boy
Operation Amazing Grace
Operation A Grossly Disproportionate Number of Black Soldiers Will Be
Sent to the Front Lines To Be Used As Cannon Fodder
Operation Leviathan
Operation Might Makes Right
Operation Perpetuate Plutocracy
Operation Happy Days Are Here Again
Operation Nuke The Bastards Back To The Stone Age
Operation Gone With The Wind
Operation Utterly Unaccountable Superpower
Operation War is the Ultimate Aphrodisiac
Operation Cure Erectile Dysfunction Disorder
Operation Tumescent
Operation Fertile Crescent
Operation Make the World Safe For Democracy
Operation God Bless America
Operation Neo-Crusaders
Operation The Duke Would Approve
Operation Rambo IV
Operation Godzilla (if we can obtain the rights from Toho)
Operation Apocalypse Now
Operation Decimation
Operation Mastication
Operation Zen (to be murderous in the moment without any thought for the
future)
Operation Wet Dream
Operation nocturnal (e)mission
Operation Triple Penetration (by air, sea, and land)
Operation A Missile is Not Just a Missile
Operation Onward Christian Soldiers
Operation Jesus Loves Us, Yes He Does
Operation Nazism Works
Operation Life's A Bitch, Then You Die
Operation Death From Above
Operation Bomb 'Em ALL To Hell (. . . but spare the innocent)
Operation Can You Say. . . Annihilation?
Operation KILL! KILL! KILL!
Operation Chicks Dig Us When We Kill
Operation We Don't Give A Rat's Ass About The People Of Iraq
Operation We Want Your Oil, We're Taking It
Operation We Make War Because It's More Exciting than Playing Violent
Video Games
Operation Men Are From Mars
Operation Blowback and back and back......
Operation Catch-22
Operation CEO (a solemn acknowledgement of the unprecedented degree of
corporate power in the present administration)
Operation Count Volney Was Wrong: Ignorance and Cupidity DO NOT
Doom Empires
Operation PERHAPS (this would really confound the enemy)
Operation Lap Dance (in honor of those U.S. soldiers who use taxpayer
money for such titillation)
Operation Belly Dance (more culturally specific)
Operation Henry Kissinger (to honor our fine "statesman", as George Will
calls him)
Operation TINA (to commemorate Margaret Thatcher's trenchant and blithe
observation that today There Is No Alternative to a world controlled by predatory, globalizing capital--so adapt or perish)
Operation Kenny Boy (to honor Bush's chief campaign contributor, Kenneth
Lay)
Operation Blood Feast (to honor horror movie director Herschel Gordon
Lewis)
Operation Dick Clark (this promises to be an operation marked by a
peculiar longevity)
Operation Phallogocentrism (in honor of those harmless, apolitical,
obfuscating, comfortably bourgeois postmodern theorists--they never speak truth to power because they don't believe there is "truth")
Operation "'Tis Not So Difficult To Die" (in honor of Byron--why I feel the
need to honor Byron, I don't know, but being both a poet and a hellrake is not necessarily a dishonorable combination)
Operation Ein Feste Burg Ist Unser Gott > code name: Op. BWV 80 ("A
Mighty Fortress is Our God"--pardon my indulgence here but I'm paying homage to my favorite composer, Bach)
Operation Raquel Welch (I reached puberty watching her films, so I'd like to
honor her and put her picture on every bomb we drop)
Operation Big Dick [choose one: A) a candid updating of Teddy Roosevelt's
"Big Stick" diplomacy; B) the recognition that Dick Cheney is really in charge; C) clearly, most of the world's problems stem from men's penile fixation, as evident, for instance, in this statement by a Marine in Grenada: "I want to fuck communism out of this little island, and fuck it right back to Moscow."]
Operation "Hi Mom" (a public relations effort to get every college football
player into the armed forces)
Operation "Hi Mom, Send Money" (a public relations effort to get not only
every college football player into the armed forces but also a check from his mother)
Operation Grandma (no one could be against such an operation; we should
all love and respect our grandmothers: they fed us, changed our diapers, smiled when we vomited on their sweater, took us to the park, read us stories, nursed our wounds, and listened to us even when we made absolutely no sense)
Operation SLURP (I just like how this sounds; we'll turn Iraq into a soup)
Operation Beat Me, Bite Me, Whip Me, Punish Me (for those sado-masochists
in the military)
Operation Like, Ohmigod, Just Drop the Freakin' Bombs, OK? (in honor of
Valleyspeak, one of the more regrettable but innocuous products of the Reagan years)
Operation Show Me The Money
Operation We Have Refused To Join The International Criminal Court Of
Justice So We Can Carry Out Operations Such As This With Total Impunity
Operation An Administration . . . In Distress?
Operation Only We're Allowed To Have Chemical, Biological, And Nuclear
Weapons Because We're Good And We Would Never Use Them
Operation It's Your Oil We Love; It's Your Bullshit We Can't Stand
AND NOW THE TOP 10:
10) Operation Show Everyone How A Man Who Has Failed As A Student,
Father, Businessman, and Governor Can Become Ruler Of The World (Only in America!)
9) Operation Pita Bread (we are the bread and into our pocket goes Iraq)
8) Operation It's Not A War Crime If We Do It
7) Operation We Do What We Want Because No One Can Fucking Stop Us
6) Operation Distract Americans From the Investigations into the Rigged
2000 Election, the Enron, Halliburton, and Harken Scandals, the Stock Market meltdown, Dick Cheney's National Energy Review Board, and into Who Really Was Behind the September 11th Terrorist Attacks
5) Operation It's All-Out War or Impeachment, So Which Do You Think
We'll Choose?
4) Operation The Holy Spirit is Our Commanding General
3) Operation "I Bomb, Therefore I Am"
2) Operation Enduring Erection
1) Operation It's Not About Oil
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